More and more often lately, I've been thinking about how I want a daughter. I've always imagined myself having a daughter at some point in my life. Always a daughter, I don't know why. I've been thinking of her lately. What she'll be like, who she'll be. How I'll raise her, how I'll get to… Continue reading A little girl
Tag: life
Identifying my patterns
Lately, I've been making a genuine effort to identify my patterns as a first step to changing the harmful ones. I've been trying to observe when I shut down, when I get annoyed, irked, or frustrated. I'm trying to understand why I react to things a certain way, and I've been trying to be cognizant… Continue reading Identifying my patterns
When Emma falls in love
How does one even start an entry like this? I don't know where to begin because I'm feeling so much. My best friend fell in love with her best friend. And this is not about me, but I have so many feelings about it. First of all, I am just so immensely, gut-wrenchingly happy for… Continue reading When Emma falls in love
What the fuck
My initial reaction to seeing the report that the psychiatrist shared with me was, "What the fuck?" I had been expecting a summary of our discussion and the psychiatrist's diagnosis. I was anticipating reading her perspective on things. But all I get is, "Diagnosis: Obsessive compulsive personality traits,OCD,in remission"? This is literally verbatim. I haven't… Continue reading What the fuck
New friends
I'm making new friends in Leiden, it's so exciting. And I mean friends. Not people I say "hi" or "bye" to on the stairs in our building. Not acquaintances. Friends. Friends who fit into different parts of my life. Friends with whom I do different types of things. It's so cool, this realisation that I… Continue reading New friends
Dissociation
I know that I dissociate, probably not to a great extent, but it happens. Last night, I had a unique experience with dissociating from my thoughts/feelings. It was really interesting. Usually, when I experience dissociation or something similar, I realise it only later. I realise it only once I'm out of that situation and look… Continue reading Dissociation
I can change my mind
One of the most exciting discoveries I've made in the past year is that I can change my mind. It sounds really basic, I know. But this discovery was fundamental for me. It's been a revelation. I can change my mind, how cool is that? How cool is it to have independence, autonomy, and the… Continue reading I can change my mind
I almost reached out to my ex today
I almost reached out to my ex today. I was going through some of my old stuff and found a portrait of me that he had drawn. That, and its accompanying letter, made me nostalgic for a time that has passed. I found myself thinking about him—wondering what he's been up to these past years… Continue reading I almost reached out to my ex today
2025
It's 2025. Wow. Last year, I wrote that I wanted 2024 to be a year of self-exploration. I wanted to understand myself better, put myself in tough situations, and learn how to adapt. I've done that and so much more this past year. 2024 has been one of the wildest years of my life so… Continue reading 2025
Liina
I have a feeling she's going to read this, so hi, girlie! I said goodbye to one of my dearest friends today. It hadn't sunk in when I was saying goodbye to her, it felt like a regular goodbye: like I'm going to see her next week, and the week after, and then the week… Continue reading Liina
Memoirs of a Muse 