Should I not leave?

My immigration form for the Netherlands came yesterday and it’s all feeling so real now. Things are moving fast, really fast. And I feel really unprepared about the whole thing. I feel like I don’t know anything about the immigration process, housing applications and life in general outside my home.

It’s really terrifying me.

What’s more is that I’m currently giving my final exams, which are really stressful in and by themselves, and the pressure of figuring out all this visa stuff in less than 15 days is just too much.

I don’t know what to do right now. I guess I just wanted to let go of some of the emotions by writing about them. I think one reason I’m feeling so overwhelmed and upset is that my dad made a comment that really disturbed me. He said, “If we pay for your education, we don’t have any additional funds for if anything happens to one of us. We should probably move to a village.” He didn’t mean it as a joke. His tone was condescending and serious.

It kinda hit me all at once in that moment. The financial burden, my dad’s remarks and the actual gravity of the situation.

So should I not leave? Would it be cheaper to just stay at home, go to university in this country and make the best of what I have here? I know that it would certainly alleviate my parents of some immense financial stress.

I just don’t know though. This is all so foreign and difficult. I’ve never, in my entire life, done anything like this before. It’s really scary to leave, to spend this kind of money and somehow figure out how to be an adult.

It’s really, really, really terrifying and it’s making me question the worth of everything I’ve ever wanted or dreamed of.

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