I believe that I do relatively well at university – both academically, in my co-curricular and extra-curricular activities. My marks, certificates and volunteering proves that. I think I do relatively well, or rather, I think others think I do relatively well.
Lately, it’s been a good time, achievement-wise for me – I’ve been interviewing people for my dissertation, been appreciated for my work as an intern, have done quite well in my recent exams and am looking into some brilliant RAship opportunities. These are all good things. I know that because if someone else had these things under their belt, without a doubt, I’d be envious.
Yet, when it comes to myself, these things never seem enough. I don’t know what it is, truly, but I feel like the external appreciation, praise, report cards or certificates never ever seem enough. Instead, I find myself wondering, “What more? How else?”
I feel like I’m scrambling for this feeling of jubilation, or rather a sense of perfection, that simply does not exist. It’s like I finally touch something something I’ve wanted to achieve for so long and once I do, the sense of accomplishment is rather fleeting. Instead, I begin to pressure myself about the next big thing, the next opportunity to feel that momentary rush.
I don’t know if I feel it as often as others, but I do know that this desire of mine pushes me into focusing on more than three things at once, at least one of which is a thing I’m not truly passionate about, something I don’t truly care about.
I’ve felt the whole weight of this realization only quite recently, but I do know that it’s something that I want to channel in a healthier way – not to be someone like a wind-up toy who plays until their energy is exhausted, but someone who controls their energy and allots it only to the things that matter.