When I was a teenager, I self-harmed. I would cut myself every time I got upset or sad or angry. I was around 13 years old when I first did it, I was really sad about something, but I just can’t remember what. By the time I turned 17, it was a terrible dependency. I didn’t even need to be feeling negative. I was simply used to it. It became a nearly daily thing.
It took a massive amount of effort, self-work and support to get out of that situation, but I did. I was in a pretty good place by 18 and I still am.
But these three or so years of being absolutely clean have taught me that the feeling that drove me to harm myself will never go away. To this day, there are times when that feeling washes over me when I’m anxious or sad. To this day, I wonder what it would feel like and to this day, I have to mentally stop myself from doing anything.
Back when I was coming out of this phase of my life, I never thought that it would subsist in this way. I thought that the last time I did it, would be just that – the last time. I thought that nothing could ever bring down the wall of steel I’d built against temptations like that.
But clearly, I was wrong. I’ve realized that the terrible feeling of wanting to do those things will never truly go away. It’s a part of me now, no matter how much I try to deny it to myself or others.
The only thing that’s left for me to do now, and for the rest of my life is to keep a wall up, wrap something bulletproof around those crevices of my mind that tempt me to harm myself.
Memoirs of a Muse 