Living abroad is a whole different kind of challenge that I have never experienced before. I usually try not to think about the difficulties but it’s been getting to me lately. My friendships feel superficial, I don’t understand the language, and going to the grocery store is an anxiety-provoking activity. I have never, ever felt like an alien in my own skin before. I do now.
I feel like the colour of my skin is a problem, the languages I speak are an issue because I don’t speak the ones I should speak to thrive in these countries and it’s hard to get a job because of all the bureaucracy. I know that this country isn’t built against me, it’s just built for someone else – and I tell myself this over and over and over when times get hard – but it’s difficult for me to deal with the reality of that.
I was in France recently. Not a single person, except my boyfriend, spoke in English to me. Which is fine. I don’t mind that at all, because I’m in another country where I don’t speak the language. But I felt like I should. I mean, what am I doing? Making people uncomfortable in their home countries?
I don’t know where I’m going with this honestly. I don’t have a point to make. I just feel shitty about the fact that I don’t feel like I belong in this country or on this continent and no matter how much I try, I will never truly be one of them. And I can’t go back home now – because it no longer completely feels like home.
I don’t know, ugh. I think being away from my boyfriend, being rejected from jobs, not speaking the language, having difficulty finding an apartment, etc. are getting to me. And I don’t feel good at all. And I don’t know who to talk to, or who would understand.
Memoirs of a Muse 