Everyone has good days and bad days. I’ve been having a couple of meh-ish, bad days in a row now. It’s not too serious, but I feel like these things build up, you know?
My bad days usually start with a feeling of heaviness when I wake up in the morning; maybe because of a dream I had or something that happened the previous day that bothered me. I get out of bed, make my to-do list for the day (as I usually do on my good days) but after that, it goes pretty slow.
I don’t feel like doing anything. I feel cynical, lazy and unmotivated. I just want to lay in bed or on my couch and stare at my laptop aimlessly. Despite having so many things to do, I just put my life on hold on the bad days.
Sometimes, I’ll feel anxious to the point of my stomach churning and I’ll have to check social media (which is something I do rather rarely). I’ll also start second-guessing myself, decisions I’ve made in the past and question my own capabilities. It’s not too great.
Yesterday was an okay day. I got upset to the point of tears when my cousin refused to use person-first language. He said, “autistic person” and not “person with autism”. And that really really bothered me and I was unable to set those healthy boundaries between my objectivity about such matters and my own emotions. I didn’t like what he said at all, but I wasn’t able to find a balance in that moment. And I didn’t realize that I can’t control everyone and get upset over everything.
A couple days ago, I logged into social media and saw something that I’m not sure I wanted to see. It was a post from someone I don’t speak to anymore. And it bothered me. More so than it would’ve on a good day. Actually, I’m not sure it would have bothered me at all on a good day.
Today, I feel like, and I quote myself, “I am a useless, lazy potato and there is no point to this life. We are all stuck on a constantly rotating and revolving orb until our inevitable, untimely deaths.”
I’m not sure, I think I just feel a little shitty temporarily. I know it’ll pass – which is all that’s getting me through the constant, dull anxiety and this inhibitive phase. Though I don’t want to feel like a useless potato, I don’t feel motivated enough to do a single thing.
It’s bothering me a little. But I keep telling myself that I’ll get through it.
Memoirs of a Muse 