I need to do some reflection right now. I’m not quite able to wrap my mind around it clearly, but I’m hoping that writing it down will help me compartmentalize my thoughts. Right, here it goes.
I like to think that I’m the kind of person who knows what she wants. For the most part, I think I’ve decided what I want to do with my career and the kind of person I want to be. While I know that nothing is set in stone, that amount of certainty helps me plan my time, my days and my actions.
Yet, there are times when I’m a little confused. Either because when I tell myself, “This is what I want,” that’s truly not the case or I don’t love it enough.
To me, truly loving something, someone, someplace are vital. I want to feel wholly committed to my actions and not feel like I’m faking anything for me (or for the work, person or place for that matter). Sometimes, I find things, people and places so pure that it just happens. I feel the passion and when I do, I know it’s right.
But at other times, I don’t. For instance, a project I’m currently pursuing it. I like it, hell, I love it. But I’m not in love with it. And that fact made me want to change something about it. Or change the whole project.
I was genuinely, truly considering it and had even begun taking the steps to do so, yet when I had a conversation with two of my friends about it – they had a perspective that I had never considered before.
They told me that I don’t have to love everything that I do for grades, credits and academics. It’s okay to only like your work, rather than love it. For now, of course.
I’m trying to wrap my head around that fact right now, and really think about it seriously. I’ve never thought about it that way. I’ve always been all-in, intense and head over heels with most things I’ve pursued. I never ever thought of it this way because whenever I’ve simply liked something, or haven’t really cared for it, I’ve half-assed it until I couldn’t anymore. Usually, I’d half-ass it until I either wanted to give up on it or until I got genuinely worried about the quality of my work output and pull my socks up.
But I never thought of it in the way that I can do things just-so sometimes. It doesn’t have to be do or die and love or hate. I love that intensity, I truly do. In fact, I’m an incredibly intense person myself. For the most part, I don’t do things in mediation.
But my conversation yesterday really made me ponder. I don’t have to be so intense about some things. I can chill out a little.
That’s quite a strange realisation for me. It’s incredibly odd to think of anything that I do in that way. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it yet, so I probably need to mull over it a bit more.
Memoirs of a Muse 