Casual

**I wrote this a while ago, but am just getting around to posting it**

I had casual sex for the first time today. ‘Casual‘ casual sex. Not sex with someone I’ve known a couple of months, have built a friendship with or am in a relationship with. I had sex with someone I met literally 24 hours ago.

It was strange. I know casual sex is greatly enjoyable to some people, and maybe will be to me as well once I’ve done it a few times. But right now, it feels quite strange. Empty. I felt as if I was being driven by some invisible force, going through the motions. It was fun, sure. Felt a little good as well. But it was empty. That’s the best way I can describe it. I felt no passion, no electricity or excitement about having this man inside me. I just thought, “Hey, this is happening. Cool, let’s do it. Nice.” Imagine that thought in a deadpan voice, no emotions. Void. Just a factual statement.

I realise now more than ever that to me, sex is supposed to be about connection, passion and love. It doesn’t have to be romantic at all, but I think I appreciate feeling strongly about my partners. I enjoy it when we’ve built a friendship, we’ve fostered some intimacy and understand one another to some degree. I love that. I get off on it.

I don’t think empty sex is for me, I mean I couldn’t even bring myself to take his cock all the way into my mouth. That’s something I have no problem with when I feel connected to someone. In fact, I look forward to it.

I don’t know. It was just empty, there’s no better way to describe it. I’ve never felt this kind of emptiness before. Weird.