I have to make a strange admission – throughout my life, I have been afraid of not being good enough. Not being good enough at academics, at dance, at swimming, at reading ‘smart’ books and so on. I’ve striven to be absolutely perfect in every single thing that I have done and while I end up doing quite well in some of these activities – the perfection I seek simply does not exist.
I think I’ve mentioned this in a previous blog post but whenever I see somebody doing something I’m not, something stirs within me. I feel the need to do it too, or do something better, and do it better than they did. It’s caused problems before – I’ve ended up participating in things that I simply did not enjoy.
I have this irrational need to be the absolute best, or at least one of the best and if I’m not, I feel as if I’ve failed my own standards. It’s not quite comfortable to have this desire since it’s obvious that I won’t be the best at everything I do. The issue, though, is that I try. And I mean I really try to be the best and somehow or another, I end up on that fictional leader board I have created in my mind.
Though I’m inching to the top of the imaginary hierarchy I’ve made, I lack passion for most things I do. Still, for the fear of not living up to my own expectations, I dip my toes in even the most undesirable of jobs or educational opportunities (those that are undesirable for me, that is).
On the one hand, I feel like I’m not dedicating myself enough to the different things I’m simply because I don’t have that motivation. The truth is, I’m still looking for my life’s passion – sometimes I wait for it and sometimes I actively seek it. Nothing yet, though. Yet, I do know that the people I meet and the skills I acquire during this process will help me in the future.
So for me, it’s just a matter of weighing the scales. And right now, I don’t know which one is more important – waiting for my passion or going out there and finding it myself.
Memoirs of a Muse 