PhD position

I felt like I was about to get a freaking heart attack when I first found out that I’d been accepted for the PhD position I had applied for. Gosh, I remember that feeling so starkly. I had just arrived at work a few minutes ago, had pulled out my phone to look at something, and saw the notification. There it was, floating on my screen, with the subject: “Offer PhD Position”. I’d got it. I’d got the PhD position that I had worked so hard for over the past couple of months. I’d undergone two intense rounds of interviews, presented to my (then, potential) supervisors two times, and answered complex, technical questions. And here it was, staring back at me. The fruit of my labours. The offer letter.

I couldn’t believe it at first. I remember starting to shake. My vision went blurry, and blood rushed to my head. I remember my hearing getting hazy. It felt like my body was going into fight or flight mode from utter shock and disbelief. I hadn’t expected this. No, I hadn’t expected this at all. I thought I would apply, interview, and get rejected. That would be that. I wasn’t even sure, at the time, whether this was a PhD position I wanted. Leaving my current supervisor felt like a crime. And I had sent in applications to the US and Canada, I was expecting to hear from them soon.

I remember being so restless that I couldn’t sit still. So I started to compulsively pace around the office corridors, waiting for my current supervisor to finish teaching his lecture/finish his meeting/arrive from home, I can’t remember which now. I’d texted him, asking if he had a moment and saying that there was something I had to talk to him about. I remember panic-walking across the whole floor ten times over, feeling lightheaded, blind, and deaf all at the same time. I couldn’t fucking believe it. I. could. not. fucking. believe. it.

My mind was reeling. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what my options were. I didn’t know how I felt. I was afraid of saying yes to this position and feeling like I was losing out on a wondrous opportunity in the US or Canada. I was afraid of leaving my current supervisor because we have built such a strong working relationship and bond. I was nervous because this PhD position was supposed to start in January, at least what they’d advertised. I wanted to finish my work with my current supervisor, but I surely couldn’t do that if I decided to take this position and they wouldn’t negotiate the start date. Like I said, my mind was reeling.

When I finally received a text from my supervisor saying that he was free, I sprinted to his office. It felt like I had been functioning on overdrive for hours. But, really, it’d only been about 20 minutes. I remember bursting into his office, a ball of anxiety, saying nothing except, “I got it”. I can’t remember what happened next. There was a lot of excitement and anxiety in the air. I remember he said something like, “I knew you were going to get it”. He was so deeply excited for me. I started rattling off about how I felt like I was having a heart attack and how I had paced up and down the whole corridor several times. I felt positively insane at the prospect of receiving this offer. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

It felt like such a rush, and I couldn’t figure out whether it was positive or negative. It took me a long time, even once I accepted the offer, to come to terms with the fact that I was about to do a PhD and was basically being offered everything I had ever asked for. It took me a long time to not feel like I was losing great opportunities in the US and Canada just because I accepted this offer. It took me a long time to process it all, basically. I seriously doubted my decision several times, always wondering whether I was missing out or making the wrong decision. I’ve never felt a rush like that before, not even when I got into university.

I know now that I absolutely made the right decision. But I still wonder about the absolute tsunami this offer caused in my professional life. It was anxiety-provoking (completely on my account, I was just so worried about so many things), but exhilerating.