I’m in the United States right now. I’m at the tail end of my trip, I leave in a day and a half. It’s been an incredible trip. Confusing, full of surprises, and honestly brimming with ups and downs. I came to the US not expecting half of the things that happened.
I didn’t expect to enjoy the conference as much as I did. The congress was nice, yes, but there was little on the programme that interested me if I’m being honest. But I really enjoyed making new friends, meeting people doing their PhDs here, and going out for dinner with them almost every night of the conference. I enjoyed giving my presentation and am still somewhat riding on the thrill of my conversations with my supervisor’s close colleague and friend.
I didn’t expect to be angered so much by some things my uncle said. I mean, I never knew people who lived here could be so conservative. But that was probably my ignorance.
I didn’t expect to love, and when I say love I mean love, New York as much as I did. The energy of that city is electric. The moment I first saw that skyline from the bus, it felt like home. I remember my brain choking on that thought. New York felt like home. I was there for about three days. We walked around the city and went out at night. I got to meet a couple of my childhood friend’s New York friends. And I got to meet a friend from my bachelor’s. What an incredible city. There is no other word to describe that city other than incredible. In my three days, I saw a few different sides of New York. I saw how it was nothing like the rest of the States. I saw that it was a place of mind-boggling contrasts. I saw some of the most privileged people there are as well as some of the least. I saw kindness but I also saw a bitter desensitization to others. There are just too many people who need your help in that city and I can see how it could get exhausting to care for and help all of them. I saw tall, tall buildings. Luxurious ones. But I also saw dumps and rats. I got a taste of how high the cost of living was but also learned that the hustle to afford that cost could be worth it if you loved the city enough. I loved New York. And that scares me a little. Seeing what my life could be like in the United States if I choose to move in the future scares me a little.
There’s a lot I didn’t like about the United States. But there’s a lot I did. There is a lot I’d have to change about my work and lifestyle if I ever decided to move here, but there is so much I could accomplish if I did as well. By accomplish, I don’t mean in just my career, but also in terms of what I want out of my life, the quality of it. I’ve thought of Amsterdam as my home for two years now, but it’s been three weeks here and I can’t seem to fully remember what my everyday life back in Amsterdam is like. I wasn’t expecting to love New York as much as I did. I wasn’t expecting my heart to swell when we first entered the city or when we walked around Manhattan. I wasn’t expecting to feel electrified about the thought of potentially living there when I was swinging under the skyscrapers in Central Park or out for drinks at a bar in East Village. I wasn’t expecting to love the subway, strangely enough, even though touching anything there felt filthy. What an electrifying city. Electrifying. Yes, that’s it. That’s how I think it would feel to move there.
And, weirdly, can you believe it, I feel more alive and beautiful than I have in a long, long time. Something in my perspective has now shifted. I feel more loaded with knowledge. More loaded with options. More loaded with perspective, overall. I am now considering a life I never had before, considering a job I never had before. I feel anew in some ways. I feel completely at ease and de-stressed as if I’m riding on a cloud somewhere high above the ground. I’m in a bubble. Maybe that’s what vacations are supposed to be like. Or maybe I’m just high off of New York at the moment. Or I might still be reeling from all the new possibilities budding inside my mind. But the opportunities are exciting. I am not as limited as I once believed myself to be. It’s exhilarating.
Memoirs of a Muse 