Conversations

I’ve had a few conversations lately that have truly liberated me. They left me feeling great right after, but they were liberating because of the fact that they made me think.

They made me think about myself and my life.

I’m someone who’s always happy to self-reflect, though there are times when there’s a literal block in my mind. Sometimes, I can’t think about some things. And that’s okay. Understandably, I’m not ready to think about those things. But I do realise that I will have to face them sometime. And I’m trying to prepare myself for it.

These few conversations that I had in the last few days have helped me with that, in a way.

First, I spoke to my sister about career, figuring things out in terms of what I want to do and new opportunities in the field I’ve chosen. Second, I gave an interview to my seniors. They asked me a few difficult questions, like what are the things that keep me going, bring me back up and allow me to thrive in times of adversity. And third, I spoke to one of my friend’s mums. She encouraged me to write, to grow and to be a ‘champion of change’ as she called it.

Career wise, I’m still figuring out what I want. I know what I’m passionate about, but I also have to realise that I can’t allow my own mental health to take a toll because of what I chose to do. I’m still working at it. And my sister normalized that for me, while so many others always ask me, ‘what is it that you want? how will you get there?’ I’ve never appreciated questions like that and I’m beginning to understand why. I don’t believe that I should have concrete plans for myself career-wise, because the truth is: Ever since I’ve been a kid, what I’ve wanted has changed with circumstance. And it’ll continue to change. So I’ll just wait, constantly moulding my skills, shifting my attention and making a passion out of the things that I love at that time.

I was asked only personal questions in the interview. They were pretty raw, heavy questions, though my seniors didn’t make it seem that way because they were only conducting the interview for an assignment. But the truth is, these are questions that I’ve been working on since a while now. I’ve been trying to figure out the activities, thoughts and mental energies that keep me most engaged and healthy. I’ve been trying to refocus my energies to the positive, trying to be thankful for everything that I have gained, lost and learned in my nineteen years. I was entirely honest with them during the interview. I told them that there are still some days, weeks or months during which I feel lesser than I am. I know that my journey with mental health stability isn’t over and it never will be. And I’m okay with that. I’m okay with not feeling happy 24/7 of 365 days. And I’ve begun to value the negative emotions and anxiety that I feel because they show me what I should be working on. I’m happy with the place I’m at right now, though I know that this is not my final destination. I know that I’m not always going to be sheltered by positive emotions. I know that I’m not constantly going to be blanketed in smiles and laughter. And that’s good. It’s right. I’m so entirely thankful for all my experiences. They make me so appreciative of what I already have and what I can gain from them.

My friend’s mum was a sweetheart. She said she saw something in me, a potential to create change. She’s not wrong. I see it too. I’ve always seen it, ever since I’ve been a child. And I don’t mean that as a way to be self-absorbed or to brag, but in the most genuine way that it could come across. She told me I should write, write, write. I should write about social issues, about things that have bothered me and things that I know bother others as well. She encouraged me to take a stand and be an inspiration to all those around me. And I want to, I so so want to. I can’t wait. I’m working on me right now. But I also see myself working for the benefit of others. I’ll find a way to do this.

So those were the three conversations that truly enriched me.

I feel a little overwhelmed from all this typing and reflecting.

But it’s okay. I’m learning more about myself and my surroundings.

That’s growth.