I’ve just been thinking. There is no space in which I truly feel like I fit in a 100%. I’m a part of a few clubs, a few communities and I’ve been interacting with a lot more people than before.
I’ve grown an enormous amount. Yet, I just feel stuck inside a box every time I engage with a specific group. For instance, if I’m in a group full of intellectuals, I wonder what the point of such intense, rigorous and often pointless (and violent) discourse is when one need only look within themselves to understand what they represent? But on the other hand, I value those discourses because they enable me to better my own viewpoints and change them, if it comes to it. Yet, I don’t fit in perfectly like the others seem to.
If I’m in a group of artists who excel in various domains, then I still don’t feel like I wholly belong. Maybe they write, sing, dance, paint or create videos. For a while, all is okay and I am able to maintain an ensemble of likeness with them. But after a while, it feels like a facade and once again, I don’t belong.
I go to university. I love it. I enjoy learning and the extracurriculars but again, I just don’t fully belong.
I’ve never felt like I’ve fully belonged anywhere. Not politically, culturally, religiously, spiritually or socially. Yes, I’ve been a part of a larger people (either officially or unofficially), but I’ve never ever felt like their ideals completely and wholly represented who I define myself to be as a person.
I don’t know, maybe this is a part of growing up and trying to find one’s own place in the world. But for now, I just felt the need to cathart.
Memoirs of a Muse 