Two and a half years

I’ve been listening to this song called ‘Missing You’ by All Time Low on repeat this evening. A wonderful song, I got curious and scrolled through the comments for the video on YouTube. In the comments, people had typed out the number of days they’ve been clean – the number of days they hadn’t cut themselves or self-harmed in any way.

Those comments stilled me for a moment because I’m one of those people who is clean.

I’ve been clean for a little over two and a half years now. The last time I cut myself was 2nd October, 2017. And honestly, I’ve come so far since then.

I am so so so proud of myself.

At 14, 15, 16 or 17, I never would’ve believed that I would live and thrive to see today.

When someone asked me where I saw myself in the future, my mind would draw a blank. It was as if I didn’t even exist for that long in my own brain.

But today, looking back, I’m so happy that I had the courage to kick that old habit and addiction. It was hard, 100%. Sometimes, it still is, when I see the scars and what I put myself through.

But I’m so incredibly proud that I am still here today, a young woman who is so strong.

I am eternally grateful that I mustered up the courage to tell my parents about my self-harm and I’m so eternally grateful for all their love and support through it all.

I’m nearly tearing up typing these things out, but I can’t imagine not being here today.

I’m so grateful I’m alive.

And I’m so grateful I no longer reach for a blade when things feel chaotic. I’m so lucky that I’ve been able to find healthier ways to cope with my distress.

Two and a half years.

It feels like an eternity, yet at the same time, it feels like yesterday.

When I was reading those comments on that song, my left forearm burst with warmess, as if all the scars were lighting up and an energy was flowing through them.

It just reminded me of how far I’ve come and how far I still have to go.