Goodbyes

Goodbyes are a little sad. They always have been. The conversation I had today, that felt like a goodbye. It felt like I was racking my brain for all the things that I had left unsaid and just wanted out lest I should never get another chance again.

This goodbye was bittersweet. It’s been a while since things have ended. But no goodbyes were said. None, officially. But today, even without using the word, ‘goodbye’, it felt like the dusk of a phase in my life.

I half-cried during the conversation, said some silly things and made some unexpected, unfulfillable demands. But since the conversation, I haven’t been able to fully cry or be entirely sad.

I realise that this is because I’m okay with this goodbye. I understand it and I’ve made my peace with it.

Though parts of me wish to fulfill my uncanny demands and to jump into his arms. My ego tells me that it’s just not right and that is not the way it’s meant to go.

Hugs are important parts of goodbyes. They make two people feel connected a final time, possibly for a long time or even forever.

We hugged today. Twice. Both times, I felt peaceful. It was nice.

This was a person that can make me feel at peace with his mere presence and his touch. I’ve realised that when I’m with him, the background fades away and he’s my main focus. That’s just the way it’s been, even after what we had ended.

And I suspect that it’ll always be that way when I’m around him. But I’m okay with the understanding that this will happen rarely, if at all. And I’m trying to be okay with the fact that it may not happen at all.

A part of me didn’t want the conversation to be over, I kept trying to drag it along. But the more rational part of me knew that I’d have to let it go.

And I have.

I feel okay with that right now.

This goodbye marks an opportunity for me to explore parts of myself that I’ve been too afraid to touch so far. It’s a blessing in disguise.

I don’t know if this goodbye is permanent. I don’t feel anything. Right now, it feels a little permanent but I can’t be sure. I have no hunches about this, as I do about some other things in life.

So, I guess I’ll just have to go on with my life and see where it takes me.

Goodbyes are bittersweet. And because of my patience with myself and the situation, this one was sweeter than bitter.