Feeling Awkward

I don’t know how wordpress entirely works yet and I have no idea if what I’m doing is the right way it should be done, but I woke up this Sunday morning at about 7: 53 AM and I have not able to go back to sleep since. Mostly because my stomach feels a little off. It’s churning. Thoughts are gathering in my mind, I’m ruminating and I’m recounting old memories.

These memories are not all positive. But they’re not all negative either. They’re all centered around one person. Now, since I’ve decided to just write, no thoughts behind my writing except the flow of words, I’m going to speak as I please about this person, this situation and my thoughts pertaining to it.

There are some people who have walked into my life, that I’ve just known are there to leave a mark, miniscule or humungous, or that they’re going to be a part of my story for a long time. This person was one of those. I truly did believe that they were going to remain in my life for a considerable amount of time, if not forever. And I believed that they would have a massive impact on who I am.

And I was right, well at least partially.

Whenever we engage in new experiences, new people and new perspectives, it all seems magical at first. Wonderful. Breathtaking. Magical.

But soon, at least for me, this magic fades in more cases than not. And that’s what happened with this person. It faded.

Slowly, but surely, it was gone.

It took me some time to register it at first. And once I’d registered it, it took me some time to come to terms with it.

Some things we never imagine to expect. However, some things we feel in our core, not as an expectation, but as a premonition. We deny these premonitions until they’re staring us right in the face. Dead in the eyes.

And they sometimes break us.

And I guess that’s how it worked with me. I’m still terribly young and am only losing the first few people of my life. Growing up, I was sheltered and loved. I never lost anything. And then, my teen years and young adulthood were a sharp slap in the face.

A sharp slap that proved fairytales don’t exist. Prince Charmings don’t save anyone, sometimes not even themselves. The only person that one can be entirely sure of is themselves, and sometimes not even that.

That was a little harsh for me to understand at first. And it may seem bleak to anyone reading this. But that’s how I understand it as of now.

Which brings me back to the way I am feeling this morning, as I type down my thoughts.

The lost magic with this person was not love. The love remained. But the effort to constantly better oneself and the other was gone.

When I think about this, it still makes me feel deeply that sometimes there are tears in my eyes.

But the thing is, I understand.

I understand the situation. I understand that sometimes, it is better for people to be apart rather than in one another’s lives. I understand the sentiments of my other. I truly, though not fully, understand.

And sometimes, I guess that’s what makes it so entirely hard. It’s the fact that I can be angry about a million things that went wrong. A hundred promises unkept. A thousand words left unsaid. And I can be angry sometimes, oh so angry, at the way things have turned out. But try as I may, one thing I cannot be angry about is the way it has led us to feel about one another.

There’s a tension. It’s awkward. We feel a little trapped.

I’m not angry. I understand.

We can’t be around each other. It hurts. It reminds us. We still feel a little trapped.

I understand.

The pain, the churning unsaid words and the situation we are in.

I understand.

I understand what they need right now and why they need it. I understand entirely.

Yet, it hurts.

It hurts to understand. And though the other things don’t make me quite as angry, the fact that I understand does.

I imagine it would be so much easier if I didn’t understand. If I could be seething in anger about what was done to me and what I did to them. If I could lash out, spew cruel words and spit insults at them. It would be so entirely cathartic. It would be so entirely freeing.

But that’s not how I feel. Understanding their situation and their emotions at this point means that I sympathize with them. Maybe even empathize at the best moments. And though I can be angry at a myriad of things in the past, I cannot be angry about this.

And that’s where I’m at a stalemate. I need this space, this time and this silence as much as my other does. Too many things have happened in too short a time. But sometimes, I want to support them, push in and demand an explanation. Though this desire grows weak day by day, as my understanding grows stronger.

I feel awkward about the situation. I often recount my steps and wonder about how I was possibly wrong about the first impression I got about this person’s position in my life. I often feel angry about other things, then this.

But I guess these stomach churnings, heartaches and lost tears are a part of this journey.

And I know that there are a few things that I must figure out by myself as well, without them by my side. I’d never expected it, sure. But I’m not even 20 years old yet, I have so much to learn.

As hard as this has been for me. As hard as I have possibly made it for myself, I feel a little lighter, despite the situation. A little happier and a little more cheerful.

I wish for them to be happy. And I wish for me to be happy. We may not be in each others’ lives or we may be, in the future. Whatever the final call is, surprisingly, I’m okay with that. And at points when I feel a little less okay than I want to, I still try my best to come to terms with it.

Which leads me to believe that no matter how awkward, strange, out of place, damaged or weird I feel, I will always have one person who can raise my spirits: me.

26th January 2020.